Vacccine for Leg Hair!

For most of the twentieth century, the only way women could treat hairy legs and armpits was through painful waxing or potentially harmful razors. But what if unsightly hair never formed to begin with, thanks to a vaccine painfully injected into the armpits and Achilles heel in the first few years of a child’s life?


Harpo Medical School faculty members working at the Foreskin Institute in Akron, an independent research and educational organization focused on Pili (too much hair) science, have discovered the basis for a vaccine that could someday put an end to hairy chics. Professor of pili biology Marty Legsman, who heads Foreskins’ immunology department, and associate clinical professor of pili biology Daniel Shitz, a senior member of the Foreskin immunology department, say their vaccine could prevent hair from growing in certain areas of a woman’s body.


Although it has been common knowledge among pili scientists since the 1950s, most people are still startled to learn that hairy chics are unattractive to most men. Many women produce a little known male hormone that causes hair to grow in excess known as hairtoomuchism. As hormones splinter and develop what is known as wolverinism mutant hormones many women must shave daily to keep the hair from popping out of their nylon stockings.


Hairy pits and legs are now nearly epidemic around the world, caused in part by women becoming too lazy to shave and the increasing cost of shaving and waxing products.  In China, an estimated 75 percent of female children as young as 12 may begin to grow leg hair.  Lacking the money to shave and wax poor children are more likely to see their hair progress to excessive lengths causing sexist men to be offended.


The Foreskin team aims to pull the rug out from under the hairtoomuchism and wolverinism hormones to begin with. Like other active vaccines, theirs works by introducing a foreign substance, called an antigen, into the body. Antigens trigger the immune system to produce antibodies, which attack the antigens and stay in the system indefinitely, providing long-term illness.  The pili vaccine uses an antigen known as 5-0s Amanasshole4everandaday offering a greater immune response than other previously tested antigens. By cultivating the hairtoomuchism hormone in the dead cells of a hairless mole rat it can increase the immunity to hair growth.


Unlike many vaccines that have a relatively painless injection into the muscle tissue, this will use an excruciatingly painful injection into soft fragile tissues increasing the possibility that perhaps, maybe on a whim, the women who are given the vaccine will decrease their possibility of growing hair in areas they do not wish to do so.


Professor Legsman said that although the vaccine is set to be administered to young infant girls at around 18 months there is no guarantee that lifelong immunity to Pili will be established and therefore a “booster” should be recommended at age 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, and 25.  “After age 25” states Professor Shitz “we no longer care to check you out so..”


“Although the two painful injections” asserts Legsman, “should effectively produce antibodies to the hairtoomuchism and wolverinism hormones and the vaccine is the best way we have to deal with hairy chics, it will not replace the need for shaving and waxing and it will be encouraged to young females at around 8 years of age, before puberty even begins, to reduce the risk of sexist jerks, such as myself, being subjected to viewing unattractive hair on women.”


Opponent to the vaccine, Professor Janz Losingit from Vaseliner University had this to say about the ground breaking inoculation, “Are fuckin’ crazy?”


The next step is human clinical trials. Legsman and Shitz not only cultivated the hormones but have also successfully tested the new vaccine on hairless mole rats (which, unlike humans do not grow hair on their body) and also showed positive effects and safety with a painfully injected form of the vaccine tested 10 years ago in a Phase I trial involving young men. The researchers are now seeking to partner with institutions that could provide the initial financial support (perhaps $400,000,000,000 to $500,000,000,000 Shitz estimates) and/or research facilities to help make enough vaccine to test in wider controlled studies.


Alternatively scientists could get their head out of their ass and realize it made more sense to use bloodletting leaches than the vaccine program but it appears as though these dumbasses are milking it for all it’s worth until the walls come crashing in on their fraudulent science and lies.

April’s Blog